And I sat in this world and watched it fall apart, I shot at the stars to only figure out-- that nothing is what it seems, nothing is as complicated as falling apart at the seams. I don't know why I feel the way I do, everything turning into shadows and causing me to wonder who is who. I took a look at you and wondered what I should do, what I should light first, my heart or these crumbling bridges-- but then I figure out that just when I decide everything goes rigid and soon I'm losing myself before I could ever lose you.
I realize now, that this may surprise you, all of my sudden darkness spilling over my optimistic cup that I call lies. I guess between me and you, all you ever thought I did was fly-- be the free spirit that I played off to be. But the truth is, I'm not as beautiful as they seem, chipped in all of the right places and playing off these perfect faces wonderfully, my shadows hiding my thirst of discovery of not just your world but my own. With my hands filled to brim of your blood, I began to spill it and let it fall through the cracks as I have your own world crumbling on my back-- I wish I could tell you that this was meant to be but between you and me I'm just nothing but filled with hostility.
I never thought I'd sit here and spill my heart in the easiest way possible, lighting it aflame and watching the ashes form the words that I wish I could've made. Don't think of me saying goodbye, because as much as I want to be honest all I ever do is lie, my heart plays its pawns as my Queen takes out your dawns of revolution, my eyes watering from your sudden evolution, of beauty that I never thought I'd be lucky to hold in my hands and proudly say that they were mine. I never wanted to walk away, but the more I stay the more I realize that even though I want to sit here and play house, reality is knocking on my door and shoving it in my face that I'm not the same person anymore.
I don't want to say goodbye, not when my diamonds will return to demons, not when I know that you'd be just as unhappy as me, but I realize now that sometimes you have to be the bad guy, and make up for your lies of what you thought was patience and time. I never want to say we're through, I never want you to believe that none of this was true, because it was as real as the sky is blue. Don't look at it as me saying goodbye, look at it as me taking the time, to figure out how to be the person you love without being the person you die for. I love you to a point of sincerity, but right now I just want some clarity on who I am and who I should be, making sure that none of it will be the plascitity of a bad dream. And I know that deep inside that right now is not the time to say goodbye, so I'll sit here and bask in the sun of your adoration, waiting for the time for my own annihalation as I hold your hand one last time and tell myself that I'll never be the one to say goodbye, I'll never be the one to lock the door, that I'll never use you as a floor and I'll never use your heart as a instrument and play it like a chord. I love you, more than I should, more than I could, and more than I'll ever want to admit to you in a way where I would be willing to sacrifice your pain and replace it with my own, replace it with what you think and feel is cruelty but in fact it's a false reality to make it better for you to leave, to think of me and remember me as just poetry.
I just wanted you to know how much you meant to me, how high you are on what I call my dreams of serenity. I wanted you to know how important you'll always be, as someone more than just a melody playing in my ear on repeat. I'll never be able to leave you right now, but I feel it in my bones, feel it in my blood that sooner or later you'll no longer be in my hands but be stains on my clothes from my mistakes, stains on my heart from the re-takes. I won't leave tonight, or tomorrow, but I know that I'll leave soon and I just want you to know that it isn't because of you but because of me and my lack of prosperity and beauty. That it was never because of you, but because of me, because of my reflection in the mirror becoming my worst enemy. I love you more than I can bear, and the worst part about it is that I'll have to learn to share and for right now I'll keep you as mine, I'll keep you as a locket strapped to my chest until I realize that sometimes you have to be lost before you can appreciate the value, appreciate the fact that you were never a walk through, appreciate the fact that for some fucking reason you'll love me, appreciate the fact that all I'll ever see is your memories, playing in the background and watching me smile and wave, watch me die and save, for what we believe is love. Appreciate the fact sometimes,
sometimes,
sometimes we have to die a little to live a little.
