Hm.

So yesterday at Funland was a great day, I enjoyed that everyone had fun, including my good friend Bryce and his freshman friend, Thomas. He was hilarious, I hope to see him more in school and say hello as we now probably have a private joke somewhere.

Through out the night I kept looking at Joe and realizing how much I missed being with him. I know I'm not going to wait for him, but I still wish he was mine. He brought something that I never had with Daniel, which was stability. A friend, Jason, professed his deep like for me and basically told me how he would want to be my stability, and how he would support me on the things that I needed to make a relationship work.

It got me thinking deeply. I don't know how to feel about this.

Eh.

So today was a good day, I believe. On my day back at school a lot of people waved and said hello, some giving hugs, I liked the feeling of being known. I also met a couple new people, and I can't determine if I made a good impression or not, but better yet, I have yet to wonder if I should actually -care-.

After a long discussion last night, I realized that I loved Joe. I don't know if it's to soon to say something like that, because I don't usually have those symptoms. You know, the fluttery, I need you, kind of sensation. I think maybe love is different for everyone, maybe it's different because it's a different type of love.

I realized that Joe is my Kristen, that even if I avoid him, even if I try to get over him, it wouldn't be the same. And he's showed me a brighter day to look for, even when he didn't have a bright one himself. I don't know if you guys who know who Kristen is, but she's his sweetest downfall. And it aches me to be put in a situation where I'll never have Joe again, where I'll never be someone like that to him, even he said that he isn't going to let me go.

Sort of pains me to think about it now. I wonder if I'll ever really fall in love ever again, and if I do, I wonder who it'll be with. Speaking of falling in love, I think I know who I would love if I could. His name is Cody, and he lives in Texas. Killeen, Texas to be exact. And let me say, I wish I could see him. Maybe just to say hello, give him a kiss, and then depart. You know, like in those movies. How odd would that -actually- be though? Hrm.

Getting Serious.

I have realized that I don't really know the definition of a blog, and although I someday want to be known by bloggers all around the world, I realize that I would be lying to them if I didn't find the true definition of a blog. Sometimes people use blogs to vent, use it to store hobbies like photography, or maybe they use it as their diary. I was on someones Blog and I realize that it changes for people over the years and amount of time they use it.

While I discovered about this person through YouTube, I have found that he has a nice personality, and someone who I would ultimitaley fall in love with, somehow, somewhere. That is, if I ever got to know him besides online text and scripted Vlogs. And while I seek out to what I want -this- blog to be, I don't really know if it would get over dramatic, or if it would seem so surreal to where nobody would technically believe me. I don't know what this blog is to me, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to really find out.

But I have been thinking lately about who I am as a person, and what happened last night between me and Joe. I made him cry, because I could no longer hold his hand while he has this mental/emotional battle with Kristen, his Alcholism, and being a recovering Addict. I know that sometimes people need a crutch, or a rock, but how can we rely on ourselves if we have to rely on other people? I told him that she wasn't coming back, that she will never come back, that she likes somebody else. I crushed his world, I saw the heartbreak play across his features like it was a drawing. I did this, I did it. I was the reason why he cried, he wouldn't let me touch him, or hug him, or comfort him. I saw the most vulnerable part of him come out, and that's when he told me that we had to be just friends, that he had to be alone for awhile. What I didn't want to say was, " You were already alone for ten months." He was the other man in this love triangle with Kristen.

And then later that night he told me that he found out that she was still with her boyfriend, that they never did break up, and that he told her he couldn't wait for her anymore. I don't know how to react to this anymore, because I honestly don't know why I did it in the first place. At first I did, at first I felt that he needed to open his eyes, but I opened more than his eyes. I opened his heart and broke it all the same. And although I want him to be happy, I can no longer pat his hand and tell him that everything is going to be ok. I told him that he wasn't the only one hurting, and it was just. Silly. No, not even silly. I can't even describe the words for it! But I knew that I was hurt, too. But not anymore, now I just feel guilt. And although I love to write, I don't want to go into details on how bad this guilt feels.

So later today, after cleaning the kitchen and upstairs, I want to find out how I am. And I think in order to do that, I need to start thinking for myself. I'm at a point in my life where I don't know why I'm living, and I don't know what to live for. I'm not saying it in the suicidal way, I just don't have a reason. But I want a reason, but then again.. I don't want one. I spent all of my life feeling like I don't belong, but does everyone feel that way at some point? I'm angry, but I don't feel the anger. I'm a lot of these emotions that I can't feel, and although I usually have something aspiring to say, I don't have one for right now. I guess the only thing that I can say is that.. I have nothing so say.