New Years Day...

And I have yet to find the perfect New Year resolution. Every year it had always been something about the other person, and last year I had the most unfortunate New Years. Far from home, and feeling lonely, I don't remember what I wanted my New Years Reso. to be.. In fact, do we ever remember it in? Things get in the way, school gets stressful, work gets busy, friends die and friends give a change of heart and we just seem to fall into the schedule of losing ourselves a little more.

Tonight I want to make it about me, I want to have the house all to myself and share it with a friend, maybe Jacob, or maybe Tad. Tad invited me first, but I can't leave the house. I also.. I don't know, I want to spend it alone, honestly. But people tried to make plans, and the fact that anyone wants to chill with me on New Years makes me feel a little special inside.

I'll get back to you on my New Years Resolution. But in the mean time, how did you spend yours? ( Or will, anyway.)

Happy Monday!

So as I listen to Atreyu and talk to my friend Drew, I'm pondering over last nights events that have occurred. Not only am I in a song that my boyfriends band has made, it makes me grin sheepishly, and makes me wonder if I'm actually psychotic, and if I am, that just made my life much more interesting. Whenever I get the courage to ask Adam for the lyrics, I'll post a preview. My favorite line though is, " It's a wild night with Jessie". You can interpret that how ever you want to, btw.

And not only that, but last night a friend and I were talking. And he was kidding about he could never speak to me again, and ever since Daniel and I had broken up, I realized that in a way, I have changed too. I no longer put my heart on my sleeve, where everyone I would meet I would get a little attached to. And if I'm attached to someone, I won't let them know. It's almost as though a secret that no one will ever know about. And I'll give you tidbits of the conversation:

"I won't leave you.

--------

Beau Penemuel

they all say that.

----

i know.

And later on that night, I realized that we were alike in more ways than one. Not only did this previous quote make me, again, realize that it's all I ever wanted to hear, it comforted me that someone for once didn't tell me that they were different. He knew better, and for some odd reason, even if he was just a friend, it comforted me with the fact that he wanted to be here as much as I wanted to be here. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Adam. I wouldn't leave him for this guy, for one, this guy is like.. In his early twenties. The other, is because.. Well. I love Adam. Simple as that.

Another quote that really got to me, was this one:

I mean, when you told me you were 16, I almost didn't talk to you, but you talked me into it, and I'm really glad. Because now you're someone I actually look forward to talking to every day. And not many people get to that level. And I'm sorry you don't know more about me. I want to open up to you more, but I know you're a lot like me in lots of ways, and that makes me worry, and not want to let you in.
But, at he same time, I like talking to you. A lot.

This is another thing that was comforting. If we are alike, then I must be really fun to talk to. I like talking to this kid, he's great. He's actually leaving for the army soon, and he promised that we would write letters to each other. That actually reminds me of that book, " Dear John", but with an entirely different plot line. But as he sat there and opened up a little to me, let me inside his own little world, I realized that I would have to force myself to open up, and no longer say what I feel.

It felt good to realize that I'm alike with someone.

I'm fine with being alone. I'm completely ok with being shut off, and having only general friends that are kept at a distance.
But, for some reason, I WANT to let you in on who I am. I just won't, becasue I know you won't, or you aren't ready for that, or whatever. Which is fine.

It's just a weird process for me

My point exactly. And after hearing this, I wondered why people always show me the sides that no one else sees. As if it's really them, or they're finally telling me the truth about them. Every day I learn something new from someone, every day I realize that sooner or later, the truth is going to come out. I don't know whether or not to be proud of myself, or wonder if I've naturally done that with Adam, and then with my friend up here. I can tell that we wouldn't just be friends, we'd be really close friends, the kind where I'll be the best man at his wedding and actually be the best man, not the kind where they spill their love the day of the wedding.

I hate those kinds of people.

You're Not Doing It Right If You're Not Sore

So tired.

So worn.

So sore.

So fucking worth it.

Snowboarding is my official sport.

Let's Give A Round of Applause..

Yes, this is the most greatest Christmas gift in the world, I thought I should let everyone know.

I have a couple things to say in this blog, and because it's my blog, I believe that I'll have the right to leave you hanging if I want to, no? Some are good, some are bad, but in the end.. The news is still pretty devestating, isn't it?

Tonight I will shove clothes randomly into my suitcase, as I leave Virginia to go to Vermont to snowboard. I have Wi-Fi, I'll keep you guys updated via picture or something. Speaking of being updated, I already have 100 views? Holy crap! I feel really popular now, haha. And my stomach is turning with adrenaline and anticipation, as if you've done something wrong in school and you get called down to the principals office, but don't really know why you're being punished. And then you suddenly feel this amount of relief when you find out it's for different reasons, and not the ones you thought it was.

That's pretty much how I feel almost all the time lately. Mainly because I've been getting attached to someone who I'm still iffy about if they'll stay or not. It doesn't matter if it was for friend reasons, or if it was because of crush-like reasons, but I do. When you open up to someone, and you don't know what they'll do next, don't you think it would make you a little nervous? That's what I thought! I don't think it's anyone's business to know their name, but I can give you a hint: it isn't the obvious. And moving on to another subject.

School is getting easier, except for Geometry. Don't really care to talk about that.

My only life lesson of today is that don't look back, and don't regret a damn thing.

Why is my neighbor in my house?

Yeah, that was worded correctly. Apparently he got locked out and now my mom invited him in, the same guy she accused for stealing our shit. Now that I met him, I think maybe he's not as bad as everyone seems to play him. Isn't that the worst part about ourselves? That we always seem to judge by the police reports instead of the person itself, based on circumstances of course.

Anyway, he's sitting in this chair while my mother is making hot chocolate for him, and I'm standing there awkwardly and saying, " I'm not a very good host, so.. if you're bored I guess you can just tell me and I'll.. Figure something out." And I shuffled my feet and stood their awkwardly while my mother was mouthing to me, ' Watch him, he steals!' What a insult, right?

Today I prevented a fight from happening, but it put me in a pretty bad mind set. This kid keeps offending me and I don't like how he talks to me. I'm his friend, but he just doesn't understand.

I hate people.

And now?

What can I say? It's 2:21 in the afternoon and I am sitting here wasting my day away from sheer fear of my tests. I also got a tip from someone that my Algebra II teacher for next semester only shows us how to do it, and then gives us a worksheet. In fact, Charlie - the one who gave me the tip- compared it to Mr. Werners class. As long as he teaches is, I can definitely do it.

I'm making a new playlist, because in the end, I always go back to my favorite genre. But I do need to make it happier, something that matches my blog style. Technology and HTML things are getting so advanced these days, I'm so surprised to see all of these websites that weren't popular before, suddenly have a visitor boom and then before you know it, they're making a more advanced HTML web layout. Like Myspace, YouTube, MyYearbook, and even Spogg, which I bet you've never heard of it until now. And I bet you'll check it out, haha.

I apologize for the short post, my mind is to scattered today. I'll post again later have it be more satisfying.

My Wishlist..

Right, I know that my blogs have been more frequent but much shorter, but I can explain! No, not really. I always seem to say that I can explain, but I don't think I really can. That's a shame, right? Well over the course of a few days, this is what happened:

• I made a new friend, named Nick.
• I made a new friend, named Jacob.
• I made a new friend, Christian.
• I re-took a Geometry test, and will be taking one home over the weekend to work on because I need the extra points.
• I'm getting a take home Biology test tomorrow.
• I might be chilling with Jacob sometime this weekend.
• I will come home and probably game until later that night because I promised Jacob I would.
• Adam's birthday is on the 12th.
• I have a deadline to uphold with and I have yet bought the goddamn candy.
• I have finished my letters and presents, and I will be mailing them sometime this week.

Yes, yes. That's a lot that has happened in the course of a couple days, but hey, what can I say? Tonight I might be up late because I'm going to take a late shower ( when this post is done), and then I'm going to work on my Geometry homework, basically corrections that I already did, but because they were so wrong all of the time I just started to.. Well, start over. A lot of good things have happened today, but then again, some of the bad things happened as well.

But one of the things that made me smile today was when someone placed a hand on this girls shoulder while she was crying from being teased. She was special, so I told her that if she wanted to come play with our team she could. She started to get better, but the pain written across her face when she was crying make me twist with hurt. Why would someone treat someone like that, ever? Cruelty and hate will get us nowhere, I wish people could see that. I wish people weren't so ignorant. That pretty much ruined my day, and it still haunts me.

Made a new playlist, it won't be full of rock like last time, kind of.. Different this time. But needed something that doesn't make me think, y'know? Something I enjoy listening to, but not dwelling on. Rock makes me think, this kind of music doesn't. Yay for being weird with music! Off to shower now, see you guys later.

Yes, I know my counter went from 55 to 02. Made a mistake with the code, now I have to start all over. :(

Wow!

I didn't know how popular my blog was until I've been gaining a lot of views lately in my view counter. I know by this time around I should have over lie... 3,000 views but because I didn't get a counter until now, well.. Haha. You get the picture.

Today was such a great day! I can't BELIEVE how great it was. At lunch I spewed chewed hot dog over Malcolm because he made me laugh so hard, and I couldn't keep my straight face. I'm laughing so hard right now because of it, just how his body froze and he was like, " OH MY GOD." as if it was one word. I couldn't help it! And some of it even got in Tiffani's hair, and she freaked the FUCK out. Talk about getting good revenge for being stabbed in the back.

Fourth block was fun, and on the bus too. Me and Jeremy finally caught up, I miss him so much..

FINALLY.

I FINALLY finished my project. Now all I have left to do is..

• Buy a jumbo bag of candy for Megan.
• Re-write my pen pal.
• Make a list of people who I'm getting postcards to.
• Anticipate the awesome-ness of how I'll be getting a touch screen phone this Christmas. I hope I don't break it.

It is amazing how so many thoughts crossed my mind in the last three minutes.

• I miss Cody, where did you go?
• I don't want to eat
• I should go back to the gym
• Why are all the damn lights on?
• The Fray, for real make my heart fly.
• Sometimes I forget I'm taken, why is it so hard to adjust?

This morning my mother came in to say goodbye to go to work, and I woke up and I just wrapped my arms around her and I think she kissed my forehead. That was the first time in a long time that I had really held her like that, that desperate need of a mother. I'm so grown now, both mentally and physically, that in about eight years I could become a mother. I might not even be here in eight years, go figure. This 2012 stuff irritates me, this end of the world crap. I keep wondering what's going to happen, is everyone going to hold their breath? Am I going to sit and close my eyes and say I Love You to my last love?

I almost don't want to fall in love because of it. Not because of 2012, but because maybe my sought out life plan doesn't exist. But it finally snowed in early December for the first time in years. I have hope for mankind. One small snowball for nature, one huge epiphany for Jessica.

And I Never Want to Leave

My urges for romance are beginning to get me distracted from daily life. I don't know why, but lately my mind has been so absent, almost vacant. It could be from thinking to much in school, having to concentrate for so long, and to restrain from giving someone a nasty look. I'm always on restraint, someone once told me that I have a gift for tolerance. But there's one thing that I can't be tolerant for, and that's kids.

Don't get me started, I can't do it. My patience is to thin, my annoyance level to high, and I just wouldn't be a good mother. I'm easy going, but I'm so picky about other people's habits. I remember the other day I told someone to shut up because I couldn't handle their annoying tid bit of habits. It's not my fault! Okay, so maybe it is..

I still haven't bought that candy for my Secret Santa person, and I still haven't responded to that letter yet. I know I need to, but.. I just hate doing stuff during the year, you know? I have to do so much other stuff during school, even the fun things feel like work. Will I ever get a break? Or will I ever get permission to punch my brother in the face because sometimes you just really want to do that?

I want to go to the gym, I want to run. I want to hide in the snowflakes that are falling from my window, and I can't wait to go to Vermont, to Snowboard, to watch the snow fall, and to have the access to being somewhere new. Didn't you ever want to go somewhere new so you wouldn't be known? You wouldn't be around people who knew your mistakes, or who broke your heart, or just annoyed the fuck out of you.

I hate caring about what other people think, sometimes. I just hate being embarrassed, it makes me cringe when I remember it, has that ever happened to you? Here's hoping that I'll tuck that fear away and learn Snowboarding.. And kick boxing for that matter.

Yes Yes I know..

Currently listening to: Sludge Factory by Alice in Chains.

I know how this must seem to you guys, those few who are following ( especially my favorite fan! You know who you are >:3). You've think I've forgotten about you readers, because I just know that all of you are dying to read my blog every time I put in a post. But alas, school calls me and even Hulu or Netflex. But so far, let me give you an update:

• My Secret Santa gift must be ready by December 10th, and I'm panicking from lack of creativity.
• I am on the brink of failing Geometry, which means I cannot do what I do with my other classes and slack off. In fact, tonight I am up preparing for this test that we have tomorrow. I have my CliffStudySolver for Geometry, and opening up the chapter to try and get as much in as I can, or to at least try and understand it.
• D&D has been succesfully off my back for their own personal reasons, which means I am now staying up until 11 or later for my own damn pleasure!
• I have a boyfriend, we are quite happy.
• I have my Honors English 10 project due Monday, which might require some creativity with Post-It Notes and colors. But let me say, she's going to have a wake up call.. From Rock N' Roll!
• I'm beginning to let my inner punk out, it's been restrained for so long. But not over the top, I feel like if I do things to over the top it won't be me.. Or I'll feel out of place. So subtle things, a lot of subtle things. I can't wait to get back into my band shirts.

I Hear In My Mind

All of these words. I absolutely adore Regina Spektor, and eating these Truffles and about to shower and be self groomed. Today was kind of a disgusting day, though. After waking up late, running to get things together, forgetting to brush my teeth and looking like a bum, it was a good day.. Sort of. Here's what happened:

• I was so tired from last night that when I sat down I said, ' Hey Etha-" and passed out until 9:17, a minute before class was originally supposed to end.
• I was tired in the beginning of 2nd block, so faking a migraine I went to the nurse and got a good thirty minute nap before waking up to someone upchucking their liquids. I told her I was ready to go back to class after that.
• Third block I finished all of the analyzing that was due tomorrow, so now homework for me tonight! Three more analyzes due on Friday, ugh!
• I'm falling in love.

I won't get into large details about the last one. But it's happening, and with Owl City playing in the background, and the security that I feel, I think I'm going to let it with open arms. With sleep being so little these days, I have more time to not only think but I get to be awake and actually witness this. These changes that everyone goes through, but you still don't know who they are. I am updating my playlist more and more, and soon you'll be seeing bands like Van Halen, Journey, and maybe some Alice in Chains. When it comes to my playlist, you just don't know what's going to be on it I guess. Maybe you'll even be introduced to new bands, who knew?

It's time to shower and get some relaxation in! You know what you should check out? You should check out the V series on Hulu. It's a great place for shows like Family Guy, American Dad, House, and of course, V. Check it out, alright? Oh! Life lesson for today:

• The Nurses office always prevails!

All of These Words

Well we all have a dream to be something so much more then we can actually be. There is something in this world that makes me wonder about life that is so fortunate, but then I remember that mine is fortunate itself. Maybe I don't have the biggest house, or the life of a rock star, always busy and never having time for myself, but I love my small town life.

"Now that she's back from that soul vacation

Tracing her way through the constellation, hey

She checks out Mozart while she does Tae-Bo

Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey

Now that she's back in the atmosphere

I'm afraid that she might think of me as

Plain ol' Jane told a story about a man

Who was too afraid to fly so he never did land"

So the world is a little less lonely now a days. School is getting a little more hectic, but hey, what can you do? This morning I went to the Orthodontist and got those stupid putty fillings they do for records right before they get braces. Adam said that I didn't need to get braces, that it was just a small gap that wasn't noticeable. But I noticed it, you know? Anyway, my parents won't be home for tonight which means that I have to go to bed early in order to get up early enough to shower and to catch the bus. I have to be out of the house by 6:55, fuck!

Because I Get a Thousand Hugs

We all know this song, we all know that sometimes it is played so much that it is just so annoying. But come on, on this blog is makes so much sense, doesn't it? Erase hearing this song a thousand times, erase the fact that it isn't part of your music taste, and realize that this is actually a good and catchy song. Not to mention it totally matches my blog genre!

Now if you look through out the songs that I have for my play list, you can see that you have the option of actually playing it or not. Oh, you're welcome. Anyway, we have artists like Owl City, Regina Spektor, Greenday, and Train. I listen to all kinds of music, and sooner or later you'll realize that sometimes people have the stereotype of not having one. Someone once said I was Indie, Grunge, Rocker, and I just want to be Jessica. Speaking of stereotypes, I want to go shopping again. If I had a stereotype, it would be the one where the person where's skinny jeans, holes in them or not, with funny t-shirts. My friend Adam would know this, considering I was wearing a, "Keep the Earth clean, it's not Uranus" shirt on Skype. I have others that say, " Get out of my grill!" and has an angry grill yelling at finger foods and spatulas. I also have band shirts, and sometimes I just have a plain black shirt. I like having people wonder what the hell I am, but I know that I need to go shopping soon. And back to the gym, I miss sweating and feeling good you know? There's something about the gym that makes someone feel good.

I've been trying to get into the habit of going to the gym, and it's not because I want to get skinny, get a couple abs, look wonderful in a bikini, or something that includes with the self image. I got over that a long time ago, and even though sometimes I want to go because I've been eating secret awesome guilty foods, it's nothing personal. It's actually shameful to be in gym class and wonder if your cheeks are red, or your face in general because you're out of shape. I, luckily, do not have that issue. I learned a long time ago that it doesn't matter how in shape you're in, your boyfriend does not want to hear about how fat you are, how many calories you took in today, or how much fat you have on your thighs. Confidence is really key, and if you have curves, flaunt the fact that your hourglass figure is the most wanted. And if it isn't, enjoy the fact that you're different. And if you don't have curves and can qualify to be a model, shut the fuck up and like the fact you can pull of a tank top.

Now that it's a Sunday, I am doing my Biology homework when I stop and actually read the question. I give a confused expression and say, " What?" because who the fuck cares about genetics? Half of the people inside of this classroom believe in Adam and Eve, you really think they'll remember the phenotype? Now I'm Buddhist, and the main part of this way of life is to just be happy. But how can I be happy when science is taking away the mysteries of life? Mystery is beautiful, and it doesn't matter what kind of mystery I'm talking about. It could be the strangers name with the pink lip gloss, it could be why the colors turn a different color in the fall, or it could be why we dream. I dislike the fact that we have an answer, theory, or a hypothesis for everything. The thirst to know the answers to the wonders of life make me wonder if we're doing more harm then good. Do we have to know what the inside of a whale looks like? Do you know what it took to get inside of that whale? Let's just hope the whale died of natural causes. Now I understand if this were for health reasons, and I guess we all don't want to see something die, especially when we could've helped it, but we can never push Death away and say, ' Well come back next week, then we'll take your appointment.' It's never going to work like that, so please stop trying.

-Because it is what it is.

Rebound or not..

Sex is going to happen. What a wonderful thing to start off with, isn't it? These past couple weeks have been focused on school, friends, and Desperate Housewives. With the summer turning into fall, and fall turning into winter, I almost forgot to think for myself. There's a lot to update about, and yesterday I didn't realize how stressed I was until I had a first time ever migraine. But things have gotten better, and I'm recovering from learning a lesson that I should've learned after Daniel and I had departed.

I was talking to a guy that said all the right things, and encouraged me to get attached. I didn't want to, seeing how I was so easily fooled last time. But I did anyway, taking a risk and jumping. I remember in the beginning I told him that only I could make myself happy, and that my break up wouldn't keep me from falling in love again. I'll get a couple heartbreaks, fall in love a couple more times, live a life that I shouldn't be afraid to live.

In a nutshell, me and the guy didn't work out. And then it dawned on me that I never used the lesson I learned before, on the person I had now. But do I regret everything? No, I don't. It's hard breaking a habit, and that habit is trust. But why is it so bad to break a habit? To break trust, to take advantage of someones emotions and availability to do something? I wish we had a revolution, the Love revolution.

Hm.

So yesterday at Funland was a great day, I enjoyed that everyone had fun, including my good friend Bryce and his freshman friend, Thomas. He was hilarious, I hope to see him more in school and say hello as we now probably have a private joke somewhere.

Through out the night I kept looking at Joe and realizing how much I missed being with him. I know I'm not going to wait for him, but I still wish he was mine. He brought something that I never had with Daniel, which was stability. A friend, Jason, professed his deep like for me and basically told me how he would want to be my stability, and how he would support me on the things that I needed to make a relationship work.

It got me thinking deeply. I don't know how to feel about this.

Eh.

So today was a good day, I believe. On my day back at school a lot of people waved and said hello, some giving hugs, I liked the feeling of being known. I also met a couple new people, and I can't determine if I made a good impression or not, but better yet, I have yet to wonder if I should actually -care-.

After a long discussion last night, I realized that I loved Joe. I don't know if it's to soon to say something like that, because I don't usually have those symptoms. You know, the fluttery, I need you, kind of sensation. I think maybe love is different for everyone, maybe it's different because it's a different type of love.

I realized that Joe is my Kristen, that even if I avoid him, even if I try to get over him, it wouldn't be the same. And he's showed me a brighter day to look for, even when he didn't have a bright one himself. I don't know if you guys who know who Kristen is, but she's his sweetest downfall. And it aches me to be put in a situation where I'll never have Joe again, where I'll never be someone like that to him, even he said that he isn't going to let me go.

Sort of pains me to think about it now. I wonder if I'll ever really fall in love ever again, and if I do, I wonder who it'll be with. Speaking of falling in love, I think I know who I would love if I could. His name is Cody, and he lives in Texas. Killeen, Texas to be exact. And let me say, I wish I could see him. Maybe just to say hello, give him a kiss, and then depart. You know, like in those movies. How odd would that -actually- be though? Hrm.

Getting Serious.

I have realized that I don't really know the definition of a blog, and although I someday want to be known by bloggers all around the world, I realize that I would be lying to them if I didn't find the true definition of a blog. Sometimes people use blogs to vent, use it to store hobbies like photography, or maybe they use it as their diary. I was on someones Blog and I realize that it changes for people over the years and amount of time they use it.

While I discovered about this person through YouTube, I have found that he has a nice personality, and someone who I would ultimitaley fall in love with, somehow, somewhere. That is, if I ever got to know him besides online text and scripted Vlogs. And while I seek out to what I want -this- blog to be, I don't really know if it would get over dramatic, or if it would seem so surreal to where nobody would technically believe me. I don't know what this blog is to me, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to really find out.

But I have been thinking lately about who I am as a person, and what happened last night between me and Joe. I made him cry, because I could no longer hold his hand while he has this mental/emotional battle with Kristen, his Alcholism, and being a recovering Addict. I know that sometimes people need a crutch, or a rock, but how can we rely on ourselves if we have to rely on other people? I told him that she wasn't coming back, that she will never come back, that she likes somebody else. I crushed his world, I saw the heartbreak play across his features like it was a drawing. I did this, I did it. I was the reason why he cried, he wouldn't let me touch him, or hug him, or comfort him. I saw the most vulnerable part of him come out, and that's when he told me that we had to be just friends, that he had to be alone for awhile. What I didn't want to say was, " You were already alone for ten months." He was the other man in this love triangle with Kristen.

And then later that night he told me that he found out that she was still with her boyfriend, that they never did break up, and that he told her he couldn't wait for her anymore. I don't know how to react to this anymore, because I honestly don't know why I did it in the first place. At first I did, at first I felt that he needed to open his eyes, but I opened more than his eyes. I opened his heart and broke it all the same. And although I want him to be happy, I can no longer pat his hand and tell him that everything is going to be ok. I told him that he wasn't the only one hurting, and it was just. Silly. No, not even silly. I can't even describe the words for it! But I knew that I was hurt, too. But not anymore, now I just feel guilt. And although I love to write, I don't want to go into details on how bad this guilt feels.

So later today, after cleaning the kitchen and upstairs, I want to find out how I am. And I think in order to do that, I need to start thinking for myself. I'm at a point in my life where I don't know why I'm living, and I don't know what to live for. I'm not saying it in the suicidal way, I just don't have a reason. But I want a reason, but then again.. I don't want one. I spent all of my life feeling like I don't belong, but does everyone feel that way at some point? I'm angry, but I don't feel the anger. I'm a lot of these emotions that I can't feel, and although I usually have something aspiring to say, I don't have one for right now. I guess the only thing that I can say is that.. I have nothing so say.

I could never..

Imagine myself being resenting something like school. The more the days loom, the more prepared I feel, but the less I want to go. How odd is that?

But while I was camping, I noticed everyone around me, I noticed that they weren't just people. They weren't just someone behind you, with brown hair, brown eyes, or anything like that. They had lives, secrets, tragedies, accomplishments, everything that I had. It was a weird sensation to realize how connected we actually are to each other, how we have a chance of being related to them, or a chance of meeting them again because in the end, USA is a small world when it comes to amusement parks.

I also wondered what it would be like to be in someone elses eyes, to see myself walking, to wonder what I would be thinking, to see my expressions, to see if I look how I feel. Or to see what others see in me, to see what I am to other people besides my personal dialouge. It was such a fascinating experience to look at a stranger and say, " They could be the best person in my life, or they could be the worst." and just leave it at that. No questions, no statements, nothing.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone has a life story, everyone has a tear jerking one, too. And that we're just another name on the VIP list, we're just another human being trying to make it in this world, and last of all, we're all trying to find out who we are, and we aren't, then we're trying to find out how to get through this life. But it's how you accept it does it make you different, make you the bolded name on the expanding list of people. It's how you make your life the best you can, affecting not only your life but others; be the life changer, my friend.

Getting a Little Personal

I see that you've enjoyed seeing my 3+ blog names of, " Out of Note" but what can I say? I like that, it might be some cool catch phrase in the beginning. I haven't had any realizations in a long time until about .5 seconds ago, when waiting really is the best thing to do in a serious situation.

Due to my heart being worn on my sleeve I have yet again fallen head over heels for someone. It's great, we go on dates, cuddle, and I can be myself. But why is being yourself that hard? Who in fact are we trying to impress, if not ourselves? Why should we better ourselves for others but not for us? Why do we make promises to people but not to ourselves, and if we do, why is it suddenly not -that- important if we don't go to the Gym three times a week?

I enjoy this new boy of mine, I shall try to get a picture of him when I can, of us together. I won't go all into personal details, just that he helped me with a lot about myself, including letting the sun shine in through the blinds and actually getting out of the house. I also have another thought pondering question; is it better for you to be one of the guys or strictly girl when it comes to boyfriends and their friends? I honestly find it a compliment that Joe has invited me to play CoD with his friends. Hint: I didn't storm off when I was the one getting killed all the time. ( In fact, I was cursing like a mad woman and almost hitting people, is that worse?) and everyone laughed, everyone had a good time, and they didn't have to "pretend" to be bad just to make me feel good. I like that, and Joe complimented me by telling me how perfectly I fitted in.

But there goes that "fitting in" thing again. I find that even the most different of people fit in somewhere, even if you suck at a game, or excel better than anyone else. My point of the day? You're not alone on anything, considering of scientific and sentimental fact. There will always be something you're different at, something you're striving towards only for other people, and you'll always fit in SOMEWHERE. Even when it's nowhere.

-Because it is.

Out of Note!

When the world spins, we spin with it too, and that's how it's always going to be. There is never going to be a moment where the world will stop just for you, or for me, or for us. It's fighting a current which we can't control, a hunger in our stomach which we can't fill, and thirst we can't quench. If you ask me, I rather go out there and swim with it, see some fish that I would call human, and see the beauty of it all.

-Because it is.

Octo-Mom by US WEEKLY

What the hell is this shit, dude? Did anyone else read this article? She's probably the most amazing and yet selfish woman I've ever met. She's a great mother, considering she's putting them first, but she's also selfish because she basically went behind her doners back and took all six sperm eggs at once instead of two or three at a time. Can we say.. facepalm?

Now you have to see this woman's schedule. She's up from six a.m to past twelve a.m doing things for her kids. Lunch takes two hours because of interruptions, and she has so many to-do and check lists it's like, "What the heck." She actually has a map of her house, and two nannies! This woman is just.. Spiffy.

The one thing that I feel most pity about is how she can't leave her house because people swarm. But that's the thing I'm here posting about; is it worth it to keep your kids so sheltered? Because when they grow up, they might have problems communicating with other children or people because they've just been in this protective bubble. Those kids will want to break free, they will want to be independent, and she's not thinking that far ahead. She's not going to protect them from the world forever.

She actually claimed that the only reason why she went public with this was because of money expenses. I find that very interesting, considering why I think she's quite intelligent. Use the public to it's advantage, right? I like that, seems like she doesn't mind going to the sharks for the money. Maybe they'll teach people not to have eight or more kids! Not unless you have stability of course.

-Because it is.

Out of Note

When you least expect it; people change. They change their style, their hair, their mood, their love. It's all human nature, and it's part of finding out who you are and becoming what makes us fit for survival. We change in order to make ourselves happy, or make other people happy.

I don't know the logic behind it, but last night my friend Ivan came out of his awkward shell. At Bella he did almost shameful things that I just wanted to turn away. When he went up to play Piano, a lot of people gave me this look of, " I'm so sorry." But for what?

I realized that people change every single day. When it's tucking away pride and cheering your friend on, or when it's ducking your head because it's humiliation. We all go through it, we all break out of our shell one day, even when it's baby steps. When you see a woman buying tampons for the first time, when you see someone going to tutoring after realizing they need help, it all meshes together some how.

Break out of your shell, do something you never thought you would; it's worth it, my friend.

-Because it is.

Out of Note

Sorry I haven't been ranting lately, but hey! It's my blog! So I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I posted my thoughts here and there; but don't worry, I'll be posting things about Octo-Mom sometime this weeked. Today is a cloudy day, and usually cloudy days make me all bright and cheery, it's a very interesting concept.

But today, it isn't like that. I had a really rough sleep; and I'm wondering why I'm having all of this bad luck lately. I didn't really think about until just now, and how this past week has been pretty fuckin' hectic. But hey, keep your chin up. All I know is that tonight Ivan and I are going to Bella, tonight. And I wanted to get a picture of us being goofy, but it seems my photobucket is failing. :(

But going on the brightside, all of these things aren't bringing me down. Even now I feel light and happy, even if the room is almost pitch black. I'm excited for tonight, and yet nervous. I'm bringing Ivan to Bella tonight, but I'm worried Tad is going to be there. If you haven't followed my blog before, they're both in love with me and want to kill each other.

Men and their damn hormones! Haha, but no. I won't let this post get that far into drama like last time. I should've been slapped, huh?

I want to put something inspiring in here, and I want it to be like last time where it's nothing but happiness! And in a way, it is. I guess it's showing the reader that it's ok to be down; but only for a moment. :)

I'll blog later, guys. Thanks for reading.

Out of Note

Did you ever one of those days where you just wanted to stay in the sun all day? And that today would be the day you opened all of your curtains and you let the sun shine in? I'm having one of those days, I'm enjoying this feeling of being re born.

I had always wanted to wake up near the ocean, have you? I always wanted to wake up in a field in the morning sun, basking on my face. It's just one of those dreams that you have. I had always wanted to go to Washington D.C so I could go to the famous library. I'm pretty sure it's the Library of Congress.

It's such a large library, could you imagine yourself getting lost there? I know a lot of people have the wish about something much more exciting, but not for me! For me it's the peace and quiet, the nature of things. I'm torn between loving the city, or loving the country for the lack of pollution. But perhaps the night life of the city is just as beautiful as the country itself?

But really, who can replace those stars?

- Because it is.

"The Other Woman" by US WEEKLY

The first thing I have to say about this is that Jessica Simpson brought this on herself. In this article, it's talking about about the split and basically the entire update of this woman's "tragic" life. I honestly, feel no pity. I read a book by Marie Forleo called, " Make Every Man Want You." I enjoy this book, even if I didn't read it fully. And one of my most favorite topics is the topic of, "Unattractive Habits." In these habits, the FIRST one it says is, "Neediness- the Ultimate Man Repellent" and gives almost gives seven bullets under it! I'm pretty sure we all fall under at least one, including miss Jessica.

Another unattractive habit it talks about is the "Clueless Communicator." And under that habit also another thing that Jessica mentioned to Tony only a year and a half later.. Any guesses yet? If you're thinking about marriage and kids, you're absolutely right. And then we have another unattractive habit that's called, "Sloppy and Unkempt Appearance." Am I the only one noticing this pattern? It's not the only issue that Jessica had. Through out the article it was talking about another bad habit of neediness, a different version. Not only did she revolve her entire world around Tony, she made sure he was her world. Although she was being supportive through his games, she was also revolving almost everything she was ever successful at around him.

For example, in this article it mentioned how Jessica would have to reschedule shoots for her new show because it was originally focused on Tony's football and game schedule. It was her show! I know that Jessica is insecure, but in every good relationship, it's like she's expecting that person to be the one and acts like they're already married. Now don't get me wrong, what she was doing was good in some areas; she was supportive, she was sweet, but sometimes even those things have a limit. And then my favorite thing in this article is probably the small quote in the top left corner, "Months before Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson, he was already sending flirty texts to a 22-year-old-look-alike behind her back."

How great is that!? Not only was she replaced in a heartbeat, it was a rub in on how much of something she wasn't.Honestly, I don't think Romo was the victim in this, either. In this article it states that he would never defend her on the accusations of her weight and style. In fact, he even continued it and said, " Well you are a little pudgy." Jessica should've slapped him and commented on how bad his sex was! That is, of course, if it was bad at all. Tony was not onlyunsupportive, but I'm sure he was raunchy behind her back more times than this tabloid mentions. This relationship was just a fuck up in general, and Jessica should've never been so devoted to him and should've kept her image and confidence strong, even if it was a bluff. Not only would Tony have been still interested, things wouldn't haven ended like it was.

The last thing I have to comment about this relationship, is the dependency. I know it's great to be independent, and then sometimes show the truth to keep things going, Jessica was on his arm like a cheerleader wanting.. Well. I don't have anything cool for that. But seriously, Jessica shouldn't have been so clingy to him in a way where she was suffocating. It was probably the real deal for her, but she shouldn't have done the following above this paragraph to show her appreciation.

- Because it is.

So I've actually decided..

That I'm going to start blogging again, but not about my personal life you see. It's not that drama filled as it used to be ( thankgod for that). But while I was travelling back from my fathers, I was reading this article in US WEEKLY and all I could think about were paragraphs and paragraphs of opinons on almost everything I was reading...

And then it happened. Then I had this epiphany that if I wasn't going to write about my drama that I would write about other people's drama! Of course giving my opinion and blah blah blah. Although I wish I could make a funny, nationwide statement about Britney Spears like Chris Crocker did, I'm afraid I can't be that.. How do I say.. Enthusiastic about it.

But in fact I will make seperate posts about each article so they're not so long where your scroll bar is about a centimeter thick. With my school schedule I'll try my best to keep it updated, but don't be so angry with me if I don't. D:

See you guys soon!