So as I listen to Atreyu and talk to my friend Drew, I'm pondering over last nights events that have occurred. Not only am I in a song that my boyfriends band has made, it makes me grin sheepishly, and makes me wonder if I'm actually psychotic, and if I am, that just made my life much more interesting. Whenever I get the courage to ask Adam for the lyrics, I'll post a preview. My favorite line though is, " It's a wild night with Jessie". You can interpret that how ever you want to, btw.
And not only that, but last night a friend and I were talking. And he was kidding about he could never speak to me again, and ever since Daniel and I had broken up, I realized that in a way, I have changed too. I no longer put my heart on my sleeve, where everyone I would meet I would get a little attached to. And if I'm attached to someone, I won't let them know. It's almost as though a secret that no one will ever know about. And I'll give you tidbits of the conversation:
"I won't leave you.
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Beau Penemuel
they all say that.
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i know.
And later on that night, I realized that we were alike in more ways than one. Not only did this previous quote make me, again, realize that it's all I ever wanted to hear, it comforted me that someone for once didn't tell me that they were different. He knew better, and for some odd reason, even if he was just a friend, it comforted me with the fact that he wanted to be here as much as I wanted to be here. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Adam. I wouldn't leave him for this guy, for one, this guy is like.. In his early twenties. The other, is because.. Well. I love Adam. Simple as that.
Another quote that really got to me, was this one:
I mean, when you told me you were 16, I almost didn't talk to you, but you talked me into it, and I'm really glad. Because now you're someone I actually look forward to talking to every day. And not many people get to that level. And I'm sorry you don't know more about me. I want to open up to you more, but I know you're a lot like me in lots of ways, and that makes me worry, and not want to let you in.
But, at he same time, I like talking to you. A lot.
This is another thing that was comforting. If we are alike, then I must be really fun to talk to. I like talking to this kid, he's great. He's actually leaving for the army soon, and he promised that we would write letters to each other. That actually reminds me of that book, " Dear John", but with an entirely different plot line. But as he sat there and opened up a little to me, let me inside his own little world, I realized that I would have to force myself to open up, and no longer say what I feel.
It felt good to realize that I'm alike with someone.
I'm fine with being alone. I'm completely ok with being shut off, and having only general friends that are kept at a distance.
But, for some reason, I WANT to let you in on who I am. I just won't, becasue I know you won't, or you aren't ready for that, or whatever. Which is fine.
It's just a weird process for me
My point exactly. And after hearing this, I wondered why people always show me the sides that no one else sees. As if it's really them, or they're finally telling me the truth about them. Every day I learn something new from someone, every day I realize that sooner or later, the truth is going to come out. I don't know whether or not to be proud of myself, or wonder if I've naturally done that with Adam, and then with my friend up here. I can tell that we wouldn't just be friends, we'd be really close friends, the kind where I'll be the best man at his wedding and actually be the best man, not the kind where they spill their love the day of the wedding.
I hate those kinds of people.