New Years Day...

And I have yet to find the perfect New Year resolution. Every year it had always been something about the other person, and last year I had the most unfortunate New Years. Far from home, and feeling lonely, I don't remember what I wanted my New Years Reso. to be.. In fact, do we ever remember it in? Things get in the way, school gets stressful, work gets busy, friends die and friends give a change of heart and we just seem to fall into the schedule of losing ourselves a little more.

Tonight I want to make it about me, I want to have the house all to myself and share it with a friend, maybe Jacob, or maybe Tad. Tad invited me first, but I can't leave the house. I also.. I don't know, I want to spend it alone, honestly. But people tried to make plans, and the fact that anyone wants to chill with me on New Years makes me feel a little special inside.

I'll get back to you on my New Years Resolution. But in the mean time, how did you spend yours? ( Or will, anyway.)

Happy Monday!

So as I listen to Atreyu and talk to my friend Drew, I'm pondering over last nights events that have occurred. Not only am I in a song that my boyfriends band has made, it makes me grin sheepishly, and makes me wonder if I'm actually psychotic, and if I am, that just made my life much more interesting. Whenever I get the courage to ask Adam for the lyrics, I'll post a preview. My favorite line though is, " It's a wild night with Jessie". You can interpret that how ever you want to, btw.

And not only that, but last night a friend and I were talking. And he was kidding about he could never speak to me again, and ever since Daniel and I had broken up, I realized that in a way, I have changed too. I no longer put my heart on my sleeve, where everyone I would meet I would get a little attached to. And if I'm attached to someone, I won't let them know. It's almost as though a secret that no one will ever know about. And I'll give you tidbits of the conversation:

"I won't leave you.

--------

Beau Penemuel

they all say that.

----

i know.

And later on that night, I realized that we were alike in more ways than one. Not only did this previous quote make me, again, realize that it's all I ever wanted to hear, it comforted me that someone for once didn't tell me that they were different. He knew better, and for some odd reason, even if he was just a friend, it comforted me with the fact that he wanted to be here as much as I wanted to be here. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Adam. I wouldn't leave him for this guy, for one, this guy is like.. In his early twenties. The other, is because.. Well. I love Adam. Simple as that.

Another quote that really got to me, was this one:

I mean, when you told me you were 16, I almost didn't talk to you, but you talked me into it, and I'm really glad. Because now you're someone I actually look forward to talking to every day. And not many people get to that level. And I'm sorry you don't know more about me. I want to open up to you more, but I know you're a lot like me in lots of ways, and that makes me worry, and not want to let you in.
But, at he same time, I like talking to you. A lot.

This is another thing that was comforting. If we are alike, then I must be really fun to talk to. I like talking to this kid, he's great. He's actually leaving for the army soon, and he promised that we would write letters to each other. That actually reminds me of that book, " Dear John", but with an entirely different plot line. But as he sat there and opened up a little to me, let me inside his own little world, I realized that I would have to force myself to open up, and no longer say what I feel.

It felt good to realize that I'm alike with someone.

I'm fine with being alone. I'm completely ok with being shut off, and having only general friends that are kept at a distance.
But, for some reason, I WANT to let you in on who I am. I just won't, becasue I know you won't, or you aren't ready for that, or whatever. Which is fine.

It's just a weird process for me

My point exactly. And after hearing this, I wondered why people always show me the sides that no one else sees. As if it's really them, or they're finally telling me the truth about them. Every day I learn something new from someone, every day I realize that sooner or later, the truth is going to come out. I don't know whether or not to be proud of myself, or wonder if I've naturally done that with Adam, and then with my friend up here. I can tell that we wouldn't just be friends, we'd be really close friends, the kind where I'll be the best man at his wedding and actually be the best man, not the kind where they spill their love the day of the wedding.

I hate those kinds of people.

You're Not Doing It Right If You're Not Sore

So tired.

So worn.

So sore.

So fucking worth it.

Snowboarding is my official sport.

Let's Give A Round of Applause..

Yes, this is the most greatest Christmas gift in the world, I thought I should let everyone know.

I have a couple things to say in this blog, and because it's my blog, I believe that I'll have the right to leave you hanging if I want to, no? Some are good, some are bad, but in the end.. The news is still pretty devestating, isn't it?

Tonight I will shove clothes randomly into my suitcase, as I leave Virginia to go to Vermont to snowboard. I have Wi-Fi, I'll keep you guys updated via picture or something. Speaking of being updated, I already have 100 views? Holy crap! I feel really popular now, haha. And my stomach is turning with adrenaline and anticipation, as if you've done something wrong in school and you get called down to the principals office, but don't really know why you're being punished. And then you suddenly feel this amount of relief when you find out it's for different reasons, and not the ones you thought it was.

That's pretty much how I feel almost all the time lately. Mainly because I've been getting attached to someone who I'm still iffy about if they'll stay or not. It doesn't matter if it was for friend reasons, or if it was because of crush-like reasons, but I do. When you open up to someone, and you don't know what they'll do next, don't you think it would make you a little nervous? That's what I thought! I don't think it's anyone's business to know their name, but I can give you a hint: it isn't the obvious. And moving on to another subject.

School is getting easier, except for Geometry. Don't really care to talk about that.

My only life lesson of today is that don't look back, and don't regret a damn thing.

Why is my neighbor in my house?

Yeah, that was worded correctly. Apparently he got locked out and now my mom invited him in, the same guy she accused for stealing our shit. Now that I met him, I think maybe he's not as bad as everyone seems to play him. Isn't that the worst part about ourselves? That we always seem to judge by the police reports instead of the person itself, based on circumstances of course.

Anyway, he's sitting in this chair while my mother is making hot chocolate for him, and I'm standing there awkwardly and saying, " I'm not a very good host, so.. if you're bored I guess you can just tell me and I'll.. Figure something out." And I shuffled my feet and stood their awkwardly while my mother was mouthing to me, ' Watch him, he steals!' What a insult, right?

Today I prevented a fight from happening, but it put me in a pretty bad mind set. This kid keeps offending me and I don't like how he talks to me. I'm his friend, but he just doesn't understand.

I hate people.

And now?

What can I say? It's 2:21 in the afternoon and I am sitting here wasting my day away from sheer fear of my tests. I also got a tip from someone that my Algebra II teacher for next semester only shows us how to do it, and then gives us a worksheet. In fact, Charlie - the one who gave me the tip- compared it to Mr. Werners class. As long as he teaches is, I can definitely do it.

I'm making a new playlist, because in the end, I always go back to my favorite genre. But I do need to make it happier, something that matches my blog style. Technology and HTML things are getting so advanced these days, I'm so surprised to see all of these websites that weren't popular before, suddenly have a visitor boom and then before you know it, they're making a more advanced HTML web layout. Like Myspace, YouTube, MyYearbook, and even Spogg, which I bet you've never heard of it until now. And I bet you'll check it out, haha.

I apologize for the short post, my mind is to scattered today. I'll post again later have it be more satisfying.

My Wishlist..

Right, I know that my blogs have been more frequent but much shorter, but I can explain! No, not really. I always seem to say that I can explain, but I don't think I really can. That's a shame, right? Well over the course of a few days, this is what happened:

• I made a new friend, named Nick.
• I made a new friend, named Jacob.
• I made a new friend, Christian.
• I re-took a Geometry test, and will be taking one home over the weekend to work on because I need the extra points.
• I'm getting a take home Biology test tomorrow.
• I might be chilling with Jacob sometime this weekend.
• I will come home and probably game until later that night because I promised Jacob I would.
• Adam's birthday is on the 12th.
• I have a deadline to uphold with and I have yet bought the goddamn candy.
• I have finished my letters and presents, and I will be mailing them sometime this week.

Yes, yes. That's a lot that has happened in the course of a couple days, but hey, what can I say? Tonight I might be up late because I'm going to take a late shower ( when this post is done), and then I'm going to work on my Geometry homework, basically corrections that I already did, but because they were so wrong all of the time I just started to.. Well, start over. A lot of good things have happened today, but then again, some of the bad things happened as well.

But one of the things that made me smile today was when someone placed a hand on this girls shoulder while she was crying from being teased. She was special, so I told her that if she wanted to come play with our team she could. She started to get better, but the pain written across her face when she was crying make me twist with hurt. Why would someone treat someone like that, ever? Cruelty and hate will get us nowhere, I wish people could see that. I wish people weren't so ignorant. That pretty much ruined my day, and it still haunts me.

Made a new playlist, it won't be full of rock like last time, kind of.. Different this time. But needed something that doesn't make me think, y'know? Something I enjoy listening to, but not dwelling on. Rock makes me think, this kind of music doesn't. Yay for being weird with music! Off to shower now, see you guys later.

Yes, I know my counter went from 55 to 02. Made a mistake with the code, now I have to start all over. :(

Wow!

I didn't know how popular my blog was until I've been gaining a lot of views lately in my view counter. I know by this time around I should have over lie... 3,000 views but because I didn't get a counter until now, well.. Haha. You get the picture.

Today was such a great day! I can't BELIEVE how great it was. At lunch I spewed chewed hot dog over Malcolm because he made me laugh so hard, and I couldn't keep my straight face. I'm laughing so hard right now because of it, just how his body froze and he was like, " OH MY GOD." as if it was one word. I couldn't help it! And some of it even got in Tiffani's hair, and she freaked the FUCK out. Talk about getting good revenge for being stabbed in the back.

Fourth block was fun, and on the bus too. Me and Jeremy finally caught up, I miss him so much..

FINALLY.

I FINALLY finished my project. Now all I have left to do is..

• Buy a jumbo bag of candy for Megan.
• Re-write my pen pal.
• Make a list of people who I'm getting postcards to.
• Anticipate the awesome-ness of how I'll be getting a touch screen phone this Christmas. I hope I don't break it.

It is amazing how so many thoughts crossed my mind in the last three minutes.

• I miss Cody, where did you go?
• I don't want to eat
• I should go back to the gym
• Why are all the damn lights on?
• The Fray, for real make my heart fly.
• Sometimes I forget I'm taken, why is it so hard to adjust?

This morning my mother came in to say goodbye to go to work, and I woke up and I just wrapped my arms around her and I think she kissed my forehead. That was the first time in a long time that I had really held her like that, that desperate need of a mother. I'm so grown now, both mentally and physically, that in about eight years I could become a mother. I might not even be here in eight years, go figure. This 2012 stuff irritates me, this end of the world crap. I keep wondering what's going to happen, is everyone going to hold their breath? Am I going to sit and close my eyes and say I Love You to my last love?

I almost don't want to fall in love because of it. Not because of 2012, but because maybe my sought out life plan doesn't exist. But it finally snowed in early December for the first time in years. I have hope for mankind. One small snowball for nature, one huge epiphany for Jessica.

And I Never Want to Leave

My urges for romance are beginning to get me distracted from daily life. I don't know why, but lately my mind has been so absent, almost vacant. It could be from thinking to much in school, having to concentrate for so long, and to restrain from giving someone a nasty look. I'm always on restraint, someone once told me that I have a gift for tolerance. But there's one thing that I can't be tolerant for, and that's kids.

Don't get me started, I can't do it. My patience is to thin, my annoyance level to high, and I just wouldn't be a good mother. I'm easy going, but I'm so picky about other people's habits. I remember the other day I told someone to shut up because I couldn't handle their annoying tid bit of habits. It's not my fault! Okay, so maybe it is..

I still haven't bought that candy for my Secret Santa person, and I still haven't responded to that letter yet. I know I need to, but.. I just hate doing stuff during the year, you know? I have to do so much other stuff during school, even the fun things feel like work. Will I ever get a break? Or will I ever get permission to punch my brother in the face because sometimes you just really want to do that?

I want to go to the gym, I want to run. I want to hide in the snowflakes that are falling from my window, and I can't wait to go to Vermont, to Snowboard, to watch the snow fall, and to have the access to being somewhere new. Didn't you ever want to go somewhere new so you wouldn't be known? You wouldn't be around people who knew your mistakes, or who broke your heart, or just annoyed the fuck out of you.

I hate caring about what other people think, sometimes. I just hate being embarrassed, it makes me cringe when I remember it, has that ever happened to you? Here's hoping that I'll tuck that fear away and learn Snowboarding.. And kick boxing for that matter.

Yes Yes I know..

Currently listening to: Sludge Factory by Alice in Chains.

I know how this must seem to you guys, those few who are following ( especially my favorite fan! You know who you are >:3). You've think I've forgotten about you readers, because I just know that all of you are dying to read my blog every time I put in a post. But alas, school calls me and even Hulu or Netflex. But so far, let me give you an update:

• My Secret Santa gift must be ready by December 10th, and I'm panicking from lack of creativity.
• I am on the brink of failing Geometry, which means I cannot do what I do with my other classes and slack off. In fact, tonight I am up preparing for this test that we have tomorrow. I have my CliffStudySolver for Geometry, and opening up the chapter to try and get as much in as I can, or to at least try and understand it.
• D&D has been succesfully off my back for their own personal reasons, which means I am now staying up until 11 or later for my own damn pleasure!
• I have a boyfriend, we are quite happy.
• I have my Honors English 10 project due Monday, which might require some creativity with Post-It Notes and colors. But let me say, she's going to have a wake up call.. From Rock N' Roll!
• I'm beginning to let my inner punk out, it's been restrained for so long. But not over the top, I feel like if I do things to over the top it won't be me.. Or I'll feel out of place. So subtle things, a lot of subtle things. I can't wait to get back into my band shirts.