What can I say? I've been pretty damn busy, my friend. I finally figured out what my blog will be whenever I move down to Texas.
Oh, yeah, let's rewind.
I'm moving down to Texas because of a college plan, I'll be getting my own apartment, yadda yadda yadda.
Fastfoward.
I qualify for college credits down at their highschool, I also only have to take six classes to qualify for one of their diplomas, so I guess I'll be taking physics senior year. I never thought I would, but hey, what can I say? Life's been moving pretty fast, I'm trying to be on my best behavior so I don't get this special gift revoked from me. Life's pretty fucking good right now, my friend. Pretty fuckin' good.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Second day!
Bah. I hate wearing tight jeans that just came out of the wash because then you have to get them all loose again. So you look all awkward for the first couple of days, or if you're worried what other people think, the next week, and then you have to wash them again. What a terrible cycle.
Talked to the German kid for a little bit, he seems to be doing okay. He smiled at me in the hallway and we both waved and said hello. But he doesn't seem to interested in people, and that's fine. I'm not trying to make it my goal to be friends. I just know how it is to be the new kid, but I guess he's doing pretty fine.
Nutrition and Wellness is doing okay, this girl named Sky Blue Moon (First, Middle, Last) and I becoming friends. She's a hippie baby, can't you tell? Anyway, she's in two of my classes so far so I'm pretty stoked about having someone ( besides Scott) to talk to.
I kind of hate school because even though I know I'm not chubby, the unnaturally skinny girls at this school make me feel bigger than I actually am. I also feel like by the end of the day, I'm not who I want to be at that moment. I wear my hair down, put on jeans and a t-shirt.. When honestly I just want to throw my hair up in a bun, put on some Nike shorts and a band t-shirt and wear flip flops and say, " Hey, oh, let's go!"
I guess I only say that because the effect of the beautiful shower has worn off.
Anyway, I went into IB History to only figure out that my ass is going to be kicked, majorly. She said, " It's easy to tell when you do work with your friends, even if it's outside of the classroom. If you're caught cheating, in any way, you're getting kicked out." I mean, that's BASICALLY what she said. And then suddenly, the entire atmosphere changed in the room. It was no longer, " Who looks the smartest so I can get notes?" it was now more of, " If that bitch tries to get my notes I'll hand her the big N-O." I can see that this class is going to be the most difficult.
Psychology was extremely disappointing. I thought he would be a great speaker and we'd mainly do lectures. But he seems really kiddish, almost a crowd pleaser. I feel awkward in that class, and that was supposed to be the one class I felt the most comfortable in. I think that'll be the only class that I'll be really quiet in, when I'm actually a really nice social butterfly. But I see that people are just different in that class, it's like a mixture of a stick up their ass and no interest whatsoever. Except for Rosie, she laughed at my joke. So she's an exception.
This morning, though.. Was really bad. Me and Christian were walking and we accidently ran into some underclassmen and she said, " You're excused." and I turned and said, " Sweetie that's not necessary." and she was like, " .. Ok." I can tell she disliked me, but I actually talked to her when she was still a freshmen.
I just wish people wouldn't get an attitude like that, it's highschool with thousands of people. You gotta shut your mouth with that kind of talk, it gets you absolutely nowhere.
Talked to the German kid for a little bit, he seems to be doing okay. He smiled at me in the hallway and we both waved and said hello. But he doesn't seem to interested in people, and that's fine. I'm not trying to make it my goal to be friends. I just know how it is to be the new kid, but I guess he's doing pretty fine.
Nutrition and Wellness is doing okay, this girl named Sky Blue Moon (First, Middle, Last) and I becoming friends. She's a hippie baby, can't you tell? Anyway, she's in two of my classes so far so I'm pretty stoked about having someone ( besides Scott) to talk to.
I kind of hate school because even though I know I'm not chubby, the unnaturally skinny girls at this school make me feel bigger than I actually am. I also feel like by the end of the day, I'm not who I want to be at that moment. I wear my hair down, put on jeans and a t-shirt.. When honestly I just want to throw my hair up in a bun, put on some Nike shorts and a band t-shirt and wear flip flops and say, " Hey, oh, let's go!"
I guess I only say that because the effect of the beautiful shower has worn off.
Anyway, I went into IB History to only figure out that my ass is going to be kicked, majorly. She said, " It's easy to tell when you do work with your friends, even if it's outside of the classroom. If you're caught cheating, in any way, you're getting kicked out." I mean, that's BASICALLY what she said. And then suddenly, the entire atmosphere changed in the room. It was no longer, " Who looks the smartest so I can get notes?" it was now more of, " If that bitch tries to get my notes I'll hand her the big N-O." I can see that this class is going to be the most difficult.
Psychology was extremely disappointing. I thought he would be a great speaker and we'd mainly do lectures. But he seems really kiddish, almost a crowd pleaser. I feel awkward in that class, and that was supposed to be the one class I felt the most comfortable in. I think that'll be the only class that I'll be really quiet in, when I'm actually a really nice social butterfly. But I see that people are just different in that class, it's like a mixture of a stick up their ass and no interest whatsoever. Except for Rosie, she laughed at my joke. So she's an exception.
This morning, though.. Was really bad. Me and Christian were walking and we accidently ran into some underclassmen and she said, " You're excused." and I turned and said, " Sweetie that's not necessary." and she was like, " .. Ok." I can tell she disliked me, but I actually talked to her when she was still a freshmen.
I just wish people wouldn't get an attitude like that, it's highschool with thousands of people. You gotta shut your mouth with that kind of talk, it gets you absolutely nowhere.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
First day.
There's not much you can really "talk" about when it comes to the first day of school. You go with your backpack empty and come back with it filled and papers that need to be organized. Today was no exception, I'm sure.
Besides picking out the people who I will probably punch by the end of the year, I've seen that I have opponets when it comes to debating ones opinion. I don't know his name, all I know is that I'm going to enjoy debating with him because he'll make me think. I like that. But not him. Just his logic.
In homeroom, I noticed a guy who had brilliant blond hair and blue eyes, with a firm jaw structure and the ideal "German" look that Hitler loved. I can see why, this guy wasn't hot, or cute, he was beautiful. Is that even possible? I'm not crushing, nor am I attracted to him. In fact, I looked at him and I said to myself, " You've got to draw this kid." That's the sad part about it all, his thick German accent was pretty hard to get through, and his name can't be pronounced. But he smiled a lot, which is great because.. Let's face it, no one smiles. He's a foreign exchange student by the nick-name of, " Reet". I have no idea what it means, though.
Anyway, I wasn't going to say anything to him. But then he was in front of Tonie in the lunch line when I came up and talked to him, and I saw him and I said, " Hey, you're in my homeroom." and he gave me this weird look and just got his lunch. I wasn't offended, because who notices someone else in their homeroom? Anyway, I knew that he was new.. So I did what I usually did and was a social butterfly and I said, " Yo, wanna eat with us if you have no one else?" and he smiled all big and was like, " Yes, sure." And then he left after lunch and I haven't seen him since.
Anyway, enough of this German kid. I go into Anthropology, right? And this guy seemed like he was the type of person who was joking around a lot, not really taking anything serious. But then he made this fantastic, moving speech about how we're all equal. How there was a difference between helping out, and changing someones culture. I loved it, and it made me inspired to stay in this class, even if the paper work would be extremely.. How can I say, tedious? American Sign Language was pretty okay, considering the fact that our teacher is a little bit of an airhead. But that's okay, she's really easy to talk to and has a nice ass.
My bad, she's really easy to talk to.
She used to teach the deaf, you know. She finally graduated and became a teacher in 08'. I'm happy for this year, I know it'll be difficult, but I think it'll be worth it. I have a schedule to keep by, though. And I could barely eat lunch because it was shortened. I hope to catch the people I missed today, tomorrow.
Besides picking out the people who I will probably punch by the end of the year, I've seen that I have opponets when it comes to debating ones opinion. I don't know his name, all I know is that I'm going to enjoy debating with him because he'll make me think. I like that. But not him. Just his logic.
In homeroom, I noticed a guy who had brilliant blond hair and blue eyes, with a firm jaw structure and the ideal "German" look that Hitler loved. I can see why, this guy wasn't hot, or cute, he was beautiful. Is that even possible? I'm not crushing, nor am I attracted to him. In fact, I looked at him and I said to myself, " You've got to draw this kid." That's the sad part about it all, his thick German accent was pretty hard to get through, and his name can't be pronounced. But he smiled a lot, which is great because.. Let's face it, no one smiles. He's a foreign exchange student by the nick-name of, " Reet". I have no idea what it means, though.
Anyway, I wasn't going to say anything to him. But then he was in front of Tonie in the lunch line when I came up and talked to him, and I saw him and I said, " Hey, you're in my homeroom." and he gave me this weird look and just got his lunch. I wasn't offended, because who notices someone else in their homeroom? Anyway, I knew that he was new.. So I did what I usually did and was a social butterfly and I said, " Yo, wanna eat with us if you have no one else?" and he smiled all big and was like, " Yes, sure." And then he left after lunch and I haven't seen him since.
Anyway, enough of this German kid. I go into Anthropology, right? And this guy seemed like he was the type of person who was joking around a lot, not really taking anything serious. But then he made this fantastic, moving speech about how we're all equal. How there was a difference between helping out, and changing someones culture. I loved it, and it made me inspired to stay in this class, even if the paper work would be extremely.. How can I say, tedious? American Sign Language was pretty okay, considering the fact that our teacher is a little bit of an airhead. But that's okay, she's really easy to talk to and has a nice ass.
My bad, she's really easy to talk to.
She used to teach the deaf, you know. She finally graduated and became a teacher in 08'. I'm happy for this year, I know it'll be difficult, but I think it'll be worth it. I have a schedule to keep by, though. And I could barely eat lunch because it was shortened. I hope to catch the people I missed today, tomorrow.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
And I sat in this world and watched it fall apart, I shot at the stars to only figure out-- that nothing is what it seems, nothing is as complicated as falling apart at the seams. I don't know why I feel the way I do, everything turning into shadows and causing me to wonder who is who. I took a look at you and wondered what I should do, what I should light first, my heart or these crumbling bridges-- but then I figure out that just when I decide everything goes rigid and soon I'm losing myself before I could ever lose you.
I realize now, that this may surprise you, all of my sudden darkness spilling over my optimistic cup that I call lies. I guess between me and you, all you ever thought I did was fly-- be the free spirit that I played off to be. But the truth is, I'm not as beautiful as they seem, chipped in all of the right places and playing off these perfect faces wonderfully, my shadows hiding my thirst of discovery of not just your world but my own. With my hands filled to brim of your blood, I began to spill it and let it fall through the cracks as I have your own world crumbling on my back-- I wish I could tell you that this was meant to be but between you and me I'm just nothing but filled with hostility.
I never thought I'd sit here and spill my heart in the easiest way possible, lighting it aflame and watching the ashes form the words that I wish I could've made. Don't think of me saying goodbye, because as much as I want to be honest all I ever do is lie, my heart plays its pawns as my Queen takes out your dawns of revolution, my eyes watering from your sudden evolution, of beauty that I never thought I'd be lucky to hold in my hands and proudly say that they were mine. I never wanted to walk away, but the more I stay the more I realize that even though I want to sit here and play house, reality is knocking on my door and shoving it in my face that I'm not the same person anymore.
I don't want to say goodbye, not when my diamonds will return to demons, not when I know that you'd be just as unhappy as me, but I realize now that sometimes you have to be the bad guy, and make up for your lies of what you thought was patience and time. I never want to say we're through, I never want you to believe that none of this was true, because it was as real as the sky is blue. Don't look at it as me saying goodbye, look at it as me taking the time, to figure out how to be the person you love without being the person you die for. I love you to a point of sincerity, but right now I just want some clarity on who I am and who I should be, making sure that none of it will be the plascitity of a bad dream. And I know that deep inside that right now is not the time to say goodbye, so I'll sit here and bask in the sun of your adoration, waiting for the time for my own annihalation as I hold your hand one last time and tell myself that I'll never be the one to say goodbye, I'll never be the one to lock the door, that I'll never use you as a floor and I'll never use your heart as a instrument and play it like a chord. I love you, more than I should, more than I could, and more than I'll ever want to admit to you in a way where I would be willing to sacrifice your pain and replace it with my own, replace it with what you think and feel is cruelty but in fact it's a false reality to make it better for you to leave, to think of me and remember me as just poetry.
I just wanted you to know how much you meant to me, how high you are on what I call my dreams of serenity. I wanted you to know how important you'll always be, as someone more than just a melody playing in my ear on repeat. I'll never be able to leave you right now, but I feel it in my bones, feel it in my blood that sooner or later you'll no longer be in my hands but be stains on my clothes from my mistakes, stains on my heart from the re-takes. I won't leave tonight, or tomorrow, but I know that I'll leave soon and I just want you to know that it isn't because of you but because of me and my lack of prosperity and beauty. That it was never because of you, but because of me, because of my reflection in the mirror becoming my worst enemy. I love you more than I can bear, and the worst part about it is that I'll have to learn to share and for right now I'll keep you as mine, I'll keep you as a locket strapped to my chest until I realize that sometimes you have to be lost before you can appreciate the value, appreciate the fact that you were never a walk through, appreciate the fact that for some fucking reason you'll love me, appreciate the fact that all I'll ever see is your memories, playing in the background and watching me smile and wave, watch me die and save, for what we believe is love. Appreciate the fact sometimes,
sometimes,
sometimes we have to die a little to live a little.
I realize now, that this may surprise you, all of my sudden darkness spilling over my optimistic cup that I call lies. I guess between me and you, all you ever thought I did was fly-- be the free spirit that I played off to be. But the truth is, I'm not as beautiful as they seem, chipped in all of the right places and playing off these perfect faces wonderfully, my shadows hiding my thirst of discovery of not just your world but my own. With my hands filled to brim of your blood, I began to spill it and let it fall through the cracks as I have your own world crumbling on my back-- I wish I could tell you that this was meant to be but between you and me I'm just nothing but filled with hostility.
I never thought I'd sit here and spill my heart in the easiest way possible, lighting it aflame and watching the ashes form the words that I wish I could've made. Don't think of me saying goodbye, because as much as I want to be honest all I ever do is lie, my heart plays its pawns as my Queen takes out your dawns of revolution, my eyes watering from your sudden evolution, of beauty that I never thought I'd be lucky to hold in my hands and proudly say that they were mine. I never wanted to walk away, but the more I stay the more I realize that even though I want to sit here and play house, reality is knocking on my door and shoving it in my face that I'm not the same person anymore.
I don't want to say goodbye, not when my diamonds will return to demons, not when I know that you'd be just as unhappy as me, but I realize now that sometimes you have to be the bad guy, and make up for your lies of what you thought was patience and time. I never want to say we're through, I never want you to believe that none of this was true, because it was as real as the sky is blue. Don't look at it as me saying goodbye, look at it as me taking the time, to figure out how to be the person you love without being the person you die for. I love you to a point of sincerity, but right now I just want some clarity on who I am and who I should be, making sure that none of it will be the plascitity of a bad dream. And I know that deep inside that right now is not the time to say goodbye, so I'll sit here and bask in the sun of your adoration, waiting for the time for my own annihalation as I hold your hand one last time and tell myself that I'll never be the one to say goodbye, I'll never be the one to lock the door, that I'll never use you as a floor and I'll never use your heart as a instrument and play it like a chord. I love you, more than I should, more than I could, and more than I'll ever want to admit to you in a way where I would be willing to sacrifice your pain and replace it with my own, replace it with what you think and feel is cruelty but in fact it's a false reality to make it better for you to leave, to think of me and remember me as just poetry.
I just wanted you to know how much you meant to me, how high you are on what I call my dreams of serenity. I wanted you to know how important you'll always be, as someone more than just a melody playing in my ear on repeat. I'll never be able to leave you right now, but I feel it in my bones, feel it in my blood that sooner or later you'll no longer be in my hands but be stains on my clothes from my mistakes, stains on my heart from the re-takes. I won't leave tonight, or tomorrow, but I know that I'll leave soon and I just want you to know that it isn't because of you but because of me and my lack of prosperity and beauty. That it was never because of you, but because of me, because of my reflection in the mirror becoming my worst enemy. I love you more than I can bear, and the worst part about it is that I'll have to learn to share and for right now I'll keep you as mine, I'll keep you as a locket strapped to my chest until I realize that sometimes you have to be lost before you can appreciate the value, appreciate the fact that you were never a walk through, appreciate the fact that for some fucking reason you'll love me, appreciate the fact that all I'll ever see is your memories, playing in the background and watching me smile and wave, watch me die and save, for what we believe is love. Appreciate the fact sometimes,
sometimes,
sometimes we have to die a little to live a little.
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